First Aid for Zombie Bites

How to Survive a Zombie Apocolypse or at Least Look Cool During One

Daniel Hollister

Anyone who's ever seen a movie (or a certain amazingly cool television series) about zombies knows that they are mighty ugly, with bad skin and worse teeth. Many zombies would benefit greatly from a new hairstyle. They have behavioral issues deeply in need of anger management and may be either completely mindless or freak geniuses, with most falling somewhere in between -- depending on plot needs.

Basic Zombieism (Yeah, It's a Word)

Zombieism is believed to be contagious, usually spread through biting. In the case of Zombeism, the best cure is an ounce of prevention. Treatment sucks. You really need to avoid getting a bite in the first place.

Avoiding a bite depends on the type of zombie you're dealing with. In the case of zombies that just shuffle along slowly, it shouldn't be too hard to outrun them (although they will respond well to Michael Jackson music and can move much faster when following choreography). Feel free to defend yourself (best to aim for the head) and avoid getting scratched or bitten at all costs.

One problem with outrunning zombies is their extreme strength. Obstacles that you must go around, they can just go through. There are several theories on why zombies have such superhuman abilities despite the fact that they can't move very fast. Most of the theories have to do with dramatic effect.

A few tricks to avoid being devoured by zombies:

  1. Don't go outside when you hear screaming. It's either the cheerleader getting bitten or a smart zombie trying to trick you. (Smart zombies are extremely rare; most zombies are mindless beasts. My money's on the cheerleader.)
  2. Carry weapons. Things that explode should be readily available (although more recent plot twists suggest that loud sounds attract more zombies -- don't say I didn't warn you).
  1. Never approach a "dead" body. Zombies are very good at faking death -- because they are dead -- and will jump up and eat you.
  2. Zombies like to hang out with vampires, werewolves, witches, fairy princesses, ghosts, goblins and things that laugh maniacally in the dark -- so avoid those at all costs.

If a Zombie Gets You

Of course, there are examples of very fast zombies (and staying inside doesn't help much when zombies can just crash through the walls), so outrunning or avoiding doesn't always work. In case you are bitten by a zombie, here's what to do:

  1. Wash the bite with soap and water (this won't help a zombie bite but I'm ethically obligated as a medical writer to tell you to wash everything with soap and water).
  2. If the bite is on an arm or leg, cut it off immediately (and treat the amputation). Maybe it won't spread.
  3. If the bite is on any other part of your body, say something clever -- especially if you have a camera solo -- and shuffle off to bite someone else.

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