I Just Don't Want to Smoke

Alicia's 10 Month Smoke-Free Milestone


Alicia has a powerful message to share in her 10 month smoke-free milestone, and it concerns the mindset we approach cessation with.  Mindset makes all of the difference, good or bad, and having a compelling "difference" as she puts it, can help you make the shift toward a positive experience.

Thanks for sharing Alicia, and congratulations.  It's clear that you are on your way to lasting freedom from nicotine addiction.

From Alicia:

I was sitting with two menthol cigarettes in my pack. I had one in my hand. I was sitting on my bed, blinds drawn, looking outside at the grass in our backyard.

What was I going to do? I just didn't know what I was going to do!

I sat in a daze, took puff after puff in quick succession and didn't realize I wasn't concentrating on smoking anymore, I was just worried. I killed the butt, took the next cigarette and lit it. Puff after puff, I worried. And when that was done, I took the last cigarette and smoked it. I was defiant till the end. I was not going to throw them away. No way. It was my money and I was going to smoke it up.

I had decided to quit. I didn't set a quit date. I got a box of Champix (sponsored by a good friend) and a box of Nicorette 4mg spearmint gum.

I had no money for another box of smokes for the rest of the month or for pretty much anything (supporting aging parents and handicapped brother), so I figured I might as well quit.

My health was failing, so I might as well quit. I promised my late Aunt, so I decided to quit. Pretty good reasons huh...The JT was saying "oh you loser with a capital L".

So I started my programme at 14h00 that Sunday afternoon on the 19 May 2013. No illusions that this quit might last only at best 3 months because that is all I ever had the courage to do.

Anything and anyone that set me off or wasn't good enough would start me smoking again.

Monday morning came, I started researching quitting smoking and eventually found my way here. To this forum. I read a few posts before I signed on and I was very shy in the beginning.  I don't readily share my thoughts or feelings because I taught myself not to do that. But I posted. For 9 days, I stayed on the Champix and Nicorette gum and was a raging lunatic fighting urges, myself and anyone who came into my space. Nothing seemed right and everything was out of the ordinary.

The 10th day came and I stopped the Champix and the gum and went cold turkey. I doubted myself for three solid months. Inside the JT was saying you're going to fail, but I was determined to keep having a smoke free day.

I tried not to see possible failure in my future and it was so hard. I became focused at trying to just be free for today and with the help of the forum community, I managed to do that. I made it through bad days, good days, crappy days, many fat days, crazy days and the best days of my life thus far.

I made it through my depression, I made it through sickness and through an untimely death of a loved one. I made it through losing some of the best forum quit buddies leaving because they slipped and I mourned their absence. I made it through road rage, rainy days, ex pushing my buttons and carb days.

So...I passed my previous failure points. I had many failure points. Every so often when I quit in the past, I failed at about three months. I would smoke a few more weeks and then quit again. But here I stand. At today. 10 Months later.

Yesterday one of my quit buddies said that she was amazed I don't have tempt days or days where I crave. Trust me when I say this journey has never been easy, facing the real me, tackling finance issues, my smoking issues, ex issues and every other kind of issue.  I definitely had those moments where I craved, but I was stubborn as a mule and refused to let the JT win.

And things have changed. For all the reasons in the world that I quit smoking, they are not my reasons anymore. Now, I just don't want to smoke. That was the change. No justification. No reason. I just don't want to smoke. Not ever again. Not just for today.

I just don't want to smoke. That is my difference.

You have to find your difference. The one that works for you. It's trial and error but trust me when I tell you, you will find your reason. It will be a change of mindset kind of reason. Once you have it and the JT comes knocking, you will use that reason. So...when I do have my moments, I keep repeating that I don't want to smoke.

So here I stand at today. My non alcoholic beverage in my hand. Toasting to:

To my 10 months.

To all my previous reasons.

To my one reason now.

To my quit buddies past and present.

To the angels on this forum.

To the ones who need my support, encouragement and tough love.

To my friends, my late aunt, to the food I now consume.

Heres to NOPE!!!

Thank you all for a wonderful journey so far...I'm excited for today and look forward to it. May you all have a wonderful smoke free day!


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