I Really Believed I Had Nicotine Addiction Licked

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I'd like to introduce you to Jenn, a member of the support forum here at About.com Smoking Cessation.  

After three months of smoking cessation, a night on the town changed everything. Read Jenn's story and remember it the next time an urge to smoke hits.  

Thanks for sharing your story so honestly, Jenn.  Relapse is painful, but never a waste if the lesson it has to offer is learned and applied the next time around.

From Jenn:

LET ME TELL YOU.......

I really believed I had nicotine addiction kicked.  Going all day without ever thinking of a cigarette.  Feeling sorry for those poor folks standing outside in this negative degree temps of Cleveland smoking.  Not having the feeling of society looking down on you because you are a "smoker" like you are disgusting trash.  The god awful nagging cough is gone.  The elephant is off your chest.  The wonderful feeling in your lungs as they expand larger when you take a deep breath.  The extra money you are finally starting to see. My little boy being proud of me saying Mommy doesn't smoke anymore!  Those are just a few of the wonderful benefits I had experienced these last three months. 

Until  last Saturday night...

Three years ago my father was dying of cancer, it had spread throughout his entire body.  We had one month from the time we found out he was sick until the day he died.

  One month is not much notice.  He was home and my mother and I took care of him and watched him die. 

On one of those days, basically our real last conversation, I started to cry and we had our "words" and then ending  our conversation, he asked me to quit smoking (he was a heavy smoker and quit 5 yrs prior).

  So I said dad I promise one day I will.  I made a promise to myself at the funeral I would quit by the time I was 40.  Well I didn't quit by 40, I quit one month before my 41st birthday.  So I didn't fully keep my promise, but darn near close.  I quit November 23, 2014.

I kept my quit with two other people actively smoking in the house I live in.  I made it through Thanksgiving, my 41st birthday night out drinking, Christmas and New Years.  Oh, and also a 19 year old son who was really pushing my buttons!  That's a lot to get through, let me tell you!  And I just knew.. this was going to be my forever quit.

Last Saturday...good ole last Saturday..let me tell you how much fun I had that night!  I am normally a homebody, I rarely ever drink.  If I have 3 beers a year that's a lot!  Well...my best friend and I go out and have a heavy drinking night.  Why not, I'm not paying or driving. I am allowed to let loose every once in awhile!  Yep!  I sure did let loose and lit one up!  I remember telling my best friend, please let me just have one.

  I promise I won't even remember it tomorrow.  I remembered alrighty, and so did the addiction that had been laying dormant since I'd quit. 

Sunday I didn't have another one, I was too hungover to even think about it.  Monday I was still ok.  I woke up, got out of bed, jumped on the forum and saw that one of my group members had fallen too.  I decided I was going to stick with my Nov quit date.  She thought it was ok too. But I didn't feel true to myself, that bugged me.  

Before I knew it, the little junkie thinking that had been quiet for some time came along.  How unfair, it said,  you didn't even remember if you enjoyed it or not. Did those two cigarettes really do anything?  NO!  Over and over.  The next thing I knew, I was sneaking a cigarette from my mom and hiding in the bathroom smoking.

Let me tell you .... I felt worse.  More disappointed in myself.  More untrue to myself. 

Tuesday, some very stressful thing is occurring with my oldest son and he leaves his cigarette pack and lighter in my car. And that is the end of the story, the end of the battle I had fought so hard over the last three months. 

Today is Sunday, 8 days since my small, little "mistake".  This afternoon after work I could not wait to get home and have a smoke.  Let me tell you just how quickly you get right back into the swing of this horrible addiction...it was 8 quick days for me.

Let me tell you,  if you are several weeks, months, years into your quit and those little voices in your head start whispering that just one wont hurt or you are under too much stress and need to smoke just one...  Or lets just see how it feels to smoke one after all this time...will you not enjoy it or will you...

Let me tell you what is going to happen.   Let me tell you how you are going to feel. 

You are going to get physically sick. 

Your head is going to POUND worse then a migraine for two days straight. 

You are going to be to be sick to your stomach. 

Your lungs will instantly hurt. It will hurt to breathe and your airways will tighten up again. 

You are going to end up with the worst sinus and chest infection you can imagine. 

You will feel your heart race to where you think you might be having a heart attack.  You can actually feel your blood vessels tighten.  

You are going to have NO energy. 

Mentally... you are going to be so disappointed in yourself and feel like the disgusting trash that society makes you out to be.  Like everyone can smell you a mile away. 

YOU ARE GOING TO FEEL SO ASHAMED OF YOURSELF.

So let me tell you... no matter at what point in your quit you are at, if that little voice in your head pops up and you are even remotely thinking of giving in,  STOP.  Take a deep breath and think about what you are about to do.  Don't be a fool...wait out the 3 to 5 minutes, take some deep breaths, drink some water, take a shower, do some jumping jacks or whatever it is that will help you get past those faulty thoughts of smoking.  DO NOT GIVE IN to that little annoying voice. 

Let me tell you..I am not giving up and my battle will remain as November of 2014, but my new quit date will be very soon.

~Jenn

More Relapse Stories:

This is How it Happens - C's Story

How a Smoking Relapse Can Help You Quit Successfully - Andrea's Story

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