7 Tips for Including Kids with Autism in Family Events

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Thanksgiving Christmas. Getty Images

There are parents and in-laws who knock themselves out to understand autism and make life easier and pleasanter for their children and grandchildren on the spectrum. There are sisters and brothers who fully understand that life with autism can be complex and difficult -- and who cheerfully offer babysitting, respite care, and genuine support.

Then, there are those extended families who are ... not "all that."

It's not hard to understand why extended family might have a difficult time with autism, especially if they've never experienced it before. For example --

  • Most typical adults are very uncomfortable with even very slight differences social communication. We are carefully trained to expect specific responses, and when we don't get them we are made uneasy. More significant differences (a child who is non-verbal, for example) can create real anxiety.
  • Myths and misconceptions about autism can be paralyzing. Some people are under the misapprehension that people with autism are contagious, unable to learn, and so forth.
  • Autistic children who are aggressive can actually frighten extended family, who fear for their own safety and the safety of their children.
  • Some extended family members are embarrassed by the fact of having a disabled family member. This may be "wrong," but it's not unusual. Intellectual disability and mental illness are traditionally (if wrongly) considered to be "weaknesses," and people with autism may have intellectual disabilities and are often (incorrectly) believed to be mentally ill.
  • In some cases, extended family members feel "put upon" when asked to make accommodations for disabled family members. They have their ways, and their traditions, and -- rightly or wrongly -- have no desire to change.

It's fine to say "well, they're wrong: my child with autism is a terrific person and they should see that, especially since they're supposed to be family!" But saying something doesn't make it so.

If you really want your family to support your child with autism, or at least feel comfortable around them, you will need to put some supports in place -- both for your child and for your family. You may also need to make some tough choices about how much work you really want to put into the process.

Here are a few tips to bear in mind:

  1. Consider the situation you're stepping into. Is it worth the pain to bring a child with autism to a family wedding or funeral? If your child is likely to act out, melt down, stim, or otherwise create unwelcome attention, these may not be the right venues for inclusion. Yes, he's a member of the family, and by rights should be welcomed by all -- but knowing that's not going to happen, you may choose to sidestep the potential pitfalls.
  2. Offer some autism training. Not every adult in your family cares to be told anything whatever about what autism is or what your child needs. A few, though, will probably be grateful for any help you can provide about what kinds of interactions work, which don't, how to respond to perseveration, and so forth. For those people who are willing to learn, it's worth while to take time to teach.
  1. Know your own family and make choices accordingly. Your mom may try to pressure you into staying with her for the holidays, but you know she'll freak out if your child does anything she's not expecting. Armed with that knowledge, you may need to stay at a hotel nearby -- and limit interaction between mom and your child. She may not love it, but it's better than never seeing you at all!
  2. Plan for a quick, graceful getaway. Most people with autism are quickly overwhelmed by lots of noise, lights, smells, and demands for social interaction. Knowing this, it makes sense to set the stage for a graceful getaway when your child shows signs of stress. Yes, come to the barbecue -- but let family members know "we may need to take off early." If things go better than expected you can always "change plans" and stick around.
  3. Know how you'll handle a difficult moment. You're visiting with extended family for the holidays, and your autistic child is showing signs that he's about to melt down. What do you do?  Hopefully, you've talked with your host ahead of time about a quiet space you can use in just this sort of situation. That way, you and your child can slip out as needed -- and return when ready.
  4. Have support on hand. There are situations, such as a visit to a restaurant, theme park, etc., in which it's almost impossible to help an autistic child cope with stress while also being a "good" daughter, son, sister, brother, or parent to siblings. Knowing that that's the case, it's wise to have at least one other adult on hand who can take over, either by helping your autistic child or by supervising the other children (or demanding adults) in your group.
  5. Have a plan for lowering your own anxiety level. If you're like many people, you want your extended family to be happy with you, proud of you, and comfortable with you and your partner and children. When you have a child with autism, though, that's not always possible. You may feel angry, frustrated, or sad as a result. How will you let off steam? Knowing you have somewhere to go with your not-so-happy feelings can make or break a family visit.

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