My Life is Better Without Cigarettes

Heather's Goodbye to Smoking


Heather's goodbye to smoking shows us just how interwoven nicotine addiction becomes with the many facets of our lives.

From Heather:

Yes, the time has come...I must say goodbye...

Over a year ago, we separated for the first time...we would be apart for a week, or 2, maybe 3, and you would waltz back into my life, begging me to pick up our relationship where we left off. I would meet you once, twice, and it came back, full-fledged...I took you back, seemingly unconditionally, yet always knowing in the back of my mind that one day, the divorce would become final.

It's taken me a while to get ready to say goodbye...I needed it to be the right time, and it is. You need to know why I left, and why I've been gone for 11 months, now.

You seduced me. You promised you would be with me through all things, and naive as I was, I believed you. I relied on you. I trusted you. Instead of dealing with my thoughts and emotions, I would run to you, and you would help me trivialize them.

You were my first response to stress, happiness, sadness, anger, anything...we celebrated together, mourned together, cried together, laughed together, drank together, read together, wrote together, worked were my constant companion, and I loved you.

Slowly, I came to realize that you weren't everything that you led me to believe you were...I realized that you were stealing from me, lying to me, cheating on me. You took my money and burned it up.

You told me that I needed you, that I couldn't live without you, that I would not be able to cope without you.

I didn't want to believe it, but you were cheating on me. I would see you everywhere, teasing me, and mocking me, but I didn't want to believe it. However, I had finally found your true colors, and it made me want to leave, but I was scared. I didn't know how.

I started talking to people, asking them how they had left, how their divorce had been, what they did, all those things, and I started making plans.

I found a group of people that had been with you, and learned how to say goodbye to you, and I bonded with them. I had a couple of trial separations, then geared up for the divorce. They gave me strength...

I educated myself. I studied you and learned as many of your tricks as I could. I developed some tricks of my own to use against you.

I learned how deceptive you could be and how truly abusive you are. You burned me, you bruised me, you stole my color. You hit my lungs and my heart. You had me fooled, but only by your smokescreen.

Once I escaped that, I could see you for who you truly are, and I didn't like it. I won't ever be in an abusive relationship like that again. Like most abusers, you are a slippery little sucker, trying to ease your way back into my life, throwing yourself in my face, rearing your ugly head when I am vulnerable and when I least expect it.

I learned how to take care of myself and how to deal with you...laughter scares you, because it chases away the need,'s helped me so much. Tears make you uncomfortable and you run away. Actually facing the strong emotions makes you angry, but impotent, and you have seen that I no longer need you. I may still want you, but I don't NEED you, and I have the discipline to stay away from you.

And, I learned about me. I found I have an inner strength that makes my reliance on you unnecessary. I have a sensitive side, I have a funny side, I have an innate worth that you tried to take away, that you allowed me to hide from myself...but, I like those parts of me, and I have taken them back. I foster them. I welcome the emotions, they are the true and strong me, and I love that.

All that being said, I can't regret the relationship that we had. Because of the storms that I went through with you, I have become a better and stronger woman, and I have learned more about myself than i ever thought possible.

I love myself more than I ever have. I have dignity, and respect, and appreciation for all things heather, and that is a thought that brings a huge silly grin to my face. I have found that the destination is less important than the journey.

Without you, I wouldn't have met some of the wonderful people and traveled to some fabulous places that I have. You, and my need to leave you, made that happen.

I know that as long as you are with others, you will never be 100% out of my life. I will catch glimpses of you, smell your characteristic scent, and be reminded of our times together. But, I will smile indulgently at my reminiscences, because I know that you will no longer be my companion.

I don't need you, I don't want you, I don't love you.

So, good bye. Don't worry about me...I'll be fine alone.


Smoke free for:
Ten months, four weeks, two days, 19 hours, 35 minutes and 28 seconds. 6696 cigarettes not smoked, saving $559.14. Life saved: 3 weeks, 2 days, 6 hours, 0 minutes.

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