The Best (and Worst) Monsters to Sleep With on Halloween

Most nights of the year, deciding to have sex with someone (and whether or not you are going to have it safely) is about managing physical and emotional risks. You might be concerned about STDs, about your relationships, or even about your reputation. But on Halloween, when the supernatural creatures are walking about the streets, some people have other fears about who and what they might be bringing home with them.

After all, choosing the wrong supernatural lover can haunt you for the rest of your life.

Note: Information in this article is no substitute for professional consultation with your local priest, exorcist, or metaphysician. If you choose to have sex with a fictional creature, you do so at your own risk.

1
Zombies

Zombie woman
Jay P. Morgan/Photodisc/Getty Images

There is no consensus on how zombieism is transmitted, or whether it can be transmitted during various forms of sexual activity, but one thing is clear. You don't want to bring your zombie lover home to meet your parents... unless they're either well armed or you're trying to prune the top of your family tree.

Zombies are passionate and single-minded, which can be great traits in a lover. Unfortunately, that's less true when what your lover is passionate and single-minded about is eating your brain.

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2
Vampires

Male Vampire. Colin Anderson/Photographer's Choice/Getty Images

People are pretty divided on whether they believe vampires are sensual, seductive, (and sometimes sparkly) killing machines or just vicious, violent killing machines. Those that fall into the first camp are often tempted to take a vampire lover, but doing so has certain pitfalls.

Vampirism is, after all, a blood-borne illness, and if you let an undead blood-sucker feast on you during your night of passion, you may be putting yourself at risk. The risk isn't absolute. Like most sexually transmitted diseases, vampirism isn't transmitted with every encounter, but it's important to make an informed choice about the chances you're taking. Is a fun night out really worth never again getting the chance to see the sun?

3
Mummies

Mummy
Mummy. :Lauren Bates/Moment/Getty Images

When walking down the street with a shambling, bandage wrapped corpse beside you, you may receive a number of questioning glances that seem to say, "What could (s)he possibly see in that thing?" However, mummy-philes know that where there's grave there's gold. No one ever bothers to mummify the corpses of the poor. One thing that's pretty certain is that mummy-dearest is from a very good family.

Unfortunately, their desiccated remains generally mean mummies aren't much fun beneath the sheets - particularly any ones they are wrapped in. Pro-tip: Never undress a mummy. A naked mummy has a very hard time keeping itself together.

4
Werewolves

Werewolf
Werewolf. chipstudio/DigitalVision Vectors/Getty Images

The good thing, or bad thing, about dating a werewolf is that they're just like everyone else... except for a few days around the full moon. On one hand, that means you have to take all standard human sexual precautions. On the other hand, that means that when you go to sleep curled up next to your lover, you've got a better than decent chance of waking up the next morning as well.

The biggest concern with dating a werewolf is whether or not you want to have a family. Female werewolves notoriously have trouble carrying pregnancies to term, although human females with male wolf lovers have a much easier time of contributing children to the pack. (Reports are that clicker training works just as well on werewolf pups as it does on regular puppies. Just be prepared with treats well before the full moon.)

5
Building A Better Boyfriend (or Girlfriend...)

Frankenstein's Monster
Frankenstein's Monster. CSA Images/Archive/Getty Images

When it comes down to picking the ultimate supernatural lover, there's something to be said for constructing your dream date from spare parts. Plan far enough ahead, work on your sewing skills, harness a powerful enough lighting storm, and you can end up with your heart's desire.

As a bonus, if you build your date from properly preserved people, you don't even have to worry that much about playing safe. Formaldehyde is a great disinfectant, although you'll want to wash it off before you get up close and personal!

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